While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan 'An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? 'When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.''That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit''It's The Box Office.'
Quote of the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
Discordian Thinking
...and other random thoughts
Welcome to Network 23......
More about me at: http://homepage.mac.com/gregggallagher/
For the women
Bathroom Camouflage ;-D
This is NOT a bath towel. Do NOT step on it!
Don't put it in the dryer, either!
Do pass it on to anyone you know that could use a smile.
True Funnies from British Hospitals
British Hospitals - True Stories
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . ... replied the patient.. Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked. 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St.. Clair , Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .....' So how was your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read .. . ...'Keep off the grass' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London Dr. wouldn't submit his name
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . ... replied the patient.. Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked. 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St.. Clair , Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .....' So how was your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read .. . ...'Keep off the grass' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London Dr. wouldn't submit his name
A Homeless Man's Funeral....touching
Homeless Man's Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and
crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and
crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."
Interesting pictures.
Next time you have extra time try stacking your coins
Cool Mailboxes
I hope that backpack is a parachute
"Ahhh, it’s so warm and cuddly on here"
Sorry bro, but thanks for being my chair
Looks like he wanted to be alone… and chances are he will be
Bye Bye Freeway… Mother Nature had another idea
Help! Call 911
It’s good to have a friend when you need one!
I guess cats can read after all
This is not as comfy as I thought it would be
Static cat!
Is the sign really necessary?
Don’t try this at home
The water is so clear the boat seems to be floating on air
I’m sorry… I didn’t know you were coming back
OK, let’s change places at the next corner
Fluffy in flight
Let me know when all the dogs are in so I can move
You may not be happy with dinner but you are going to eat it anyway!
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